Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Nikki Story part 3

 You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here
On the drive home from the beach, after they had both calmed down about one trying to rip off the other, Vinnie started asking what we were going to do that night. Well he didn't so much ask as he mentioned what we were going to do and then added a question mark at the end. He didn't seem happy when we confirmed that we were getting a room after we dropped him off at home.
At Vinnie's house Nikki asked if he had an extra syringe she could have. She said I was going to smoke but she wanted a shot.
 I waited uncomfortably in the car for a few minutes for Nikki to come back out. She came out the front door, gave Vinnie a hug and got back in the car. We knew we were going to get a room but we didn't know where, so we headed downtown. Nikki said we needed to stop at a grocery store to get foil and cottons so we stopped at a Safeway before finding a cheap motel.
"Just so you know, I get real horny when I'm on dope."
"I'm OK with that." I said with a smile.
Nikki set me up with a foil and a rolled up postcard from the nightstand and showed me/ helped me smoke some before she did a shot. We smoked a piece and then for the first time ever I watched someone cook up a shot.
I was terrified and fascinated at the same time. I watched her cook the heroin in the bottom of a cut off soda can and then rip a piece of cotton off a q-tip and placed it in the solution. Slowly she stuck the needle into the cotton and slowly pulled the dark solution up into the syringe. She pushed a little out the top and tapped the syringe with her finger to get all the air bubbles out. She was using a shoelace as a tourniquet tied tightly around her arm while holding it tight with her mouth. It took her a couple tries to find a vein and then when she died she pulled out on the plunger just a little and I saw blood enter the syringe. She took a breath and then slowly pushed the drugs into her arm.
She quickly undid the shoelace and laid flat on her back on the bed.
That was pretty intense. I didn't say anything for a minute or so and then I got up and tried smoking from the foil again. Nikki sat up and I handed the tube to her for a hit and rolled myself a cigarette. As I finished my cigarette she started to cook up another shot.
 "Are you sure that's OK? You just did one a few minutes ago."
 "It was just a small one, it's OK."
 I watched her go through the rituals again, much smoother on the second time around.
 I turned on my computer and put on Portishead. Nikki looked like she was in heaven. I laid down on the bed beside her and asked her how she was felt.
 "Amazing."She purred. Then she rolled partway towards me and threw one of her legs over mine and put her head on my chest.
We started kissing and as I began to touch her she started moaning quietly, she was clearly feeling especially sensitive and aroused over every inch of her body.  Woody Allen would call her polymorphously perverse. A short time after she asked a question that I'll never forget. - "Why am I the only one naked?"
The next 12 hours were spent getting high in between long sex sessions.
I'd always heard that Heroin would kill your sex drive and I would later learn that daily use would definitely hurt libido but it certainly didn't affect us that night with regards to drive. However over the entire night with hours and hours of sex I wasn't able to climax once. Nikki told me not to worry it happened often and a lot of men couldn't even get hard while on Heroin - at least I had that.
9 A.M. came really quickly. We were still high, hadn't slept, desperately needed a shower, and had to check out by 11.
We were about to shower when I saw a condom on the nightstand.
"We used all the drugs, might as well use all the condoms right?" She smiled, threw me on the bed, put the condom on me and jumped on top for a few minutes. Then we took a shower.
After the shower we realized that there was no way that I could take her home like this. We looked like we'd been up all night doing drugs and fucking.
So I called a good friend of mine that had a spare room to ask if we could go sleep there for a few hours, but she didn't answer. After the second attempt I called her boyfriend who said it was no problem,  he was at work but, "Come on over."
When we got there my friend ( who was sleeping when I called ) offered to make us breakfast but we weren't hungry. I just said we're gonna take a nap if that's OK. She had no problem with that, said she had to go to work in a couple hours but if we were still asleep just lock the door and drop the keys in the mail slot.
We woke up about 3:30 and nobody was home at the house. We actually were hungry this time so we stopped to get a sandwich on the drive back to her house.
To be continued...

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Monday, September 24, 2012

The Nikki Story Part 2

Part 1 can be found here

A few minutes later Vinnie called to make sure the coast was clear. Nikki told him it was  and he appeared out of the bushes a few seconds later,  hopped in the car and we left. Once we got back on the freeway Vinnie casually mentioned that it was nice to have a lookout because he had been arrested at that same spot twice in three days just a few weeks ago.
What the fuck.
Nikki asked to see the dope which was supposed to be a gram and Vinnie handed it to her. She thought that it was light and began questioning Vinnie, saying that he pinched some for himself. They argued back and forth and Nikki demanded to see his bag to compare the two. They were bitching back and forth and at one point Nikki asked why his bag was open. When I say bag it was actually a small piece of a plastic shopping bag wrapped tightly around a piece of tar and tied closed.  Nikki thought that his open bag was indicative of him somehow screwing her. Vinnie said that it wasn't open when he handed it to her and she must have opened it herself. I honestly don't remember how the conversation went, but I remember that it ended with her giving back the open one and keeping the other one for herself. Vinnie then accused Nikki of pinching his bag claiming it was sealed when he gave it to her. Later after we dropped Vinnie off she admitted to stealing some of his.
I had met Darling Nikki a little more than a month before this in an outpatient psychiatric hospital. While I was in the program I was considered a "dual diagnosis" patient as I had a mood disorder and smoked weed on a daily basis. I won't get into my personal thoughts on cannabis right now but suffice it to say I disagreed with the "substance abuse" diagnosis. Nevertheless to complete the program I was in I was to refrain from smoking for the duration. Almost 6 weeks I didn't smoke but that would end tonight.
Nikki was a  "tri-diagnosis" patient. She had a mood disorder, an eating disorder, and she was a heroin addict and alcoholic all at the lovely age of 22. She had been clean for the program which started a week before me and the 30 days of rehab that she was in prior to that. But that too, would end tonight.
The first time we "went out" was to one of the twice weekly support groups that we were forced to attend as participants in the "program.' A few days after that we decided to go to a movie together, our first real social interaction. We had coffee on a Sunday and then saw the Banksy film - we had a good time.
A few nights after that we went out to dinner after the program at some pizza place downtown. After dinner we were going to get frozen yogurt when we walked past a bar and she suggested we have a drink instead. I asked if she thought that was a good idea and she said, "Well you don't have a drinking problem, and it's not heroin."
I guess that was true, but she did have a drinking problem, and I was aware of this, and even though I didn't have one myself, neither one of us were supposed to be drinking while in the program. But she was hot, I was into her, and what the fuck?
An hour and three drinks later, three drinks being my three pints and her three double vodka tonics, we realized she needed to be home. While we both lived with our parents, she lived in near lockdown with hers. She had been in and out of rehab ever since leaving her Ivy League school  because she was strung out. They kept her on a tight leash and we both knew that her coming home drunk would not be good. Somehow she was able to sober up a little and decided she could go home without a problem and we left.
The next night we went out again but this time didn't mess around with dinner and just went straight to a bar.
It's important to note that Nikki was anorexic and bulimic and even when she did eat it was just picking at things, when we were at the program during lunch she and the other women with eating disorders had to eat their lunches away from everyone else and it was all chosen by a nutritionist and nearly force fed to them. So she rarely ate even when we went to eat.
The next night we had a meeting, I was going to go and we were bringing another friend of ours from the program who was going to bring Nikki. They never showed up so I called Nikki after the meeting a little worried that something may have happened. Nikki said they were Ok, it was a long story but the other girl had gotten sick and they couldn't make it. She said she'd tell me everything if I could come pick her up and take her home.
The story was that Nikki and the other girl, who we'll call Jaime, were hanging out at Jamie's house before the meeting, watching TV or something I don't know.  Nikki got a call from a friend and fellow junky that needed a favor. This friend knew that Nikki had been clean for months and therefore had clean pee. I don't know the specifics but Nikki's friend needed clean pee to pass some drug test and in return the friend would give her two Suboxone. Suboxone, if you don't know ( and I'm not a doctor or chemist) is in essence an opiate blocker. It's used for both acute withdrawal as well as maintenance in a manner similar to methadone (again I'm not a doctor). Junkys love to have these around in case they are going through withdrawals or can't score for whatever reason but won't get anyone that has a heroin dependence high. It can though get you high with no tolerance of opiates. And that's what happened. Nikki and Jaime split one which is a tablet that dissolves under your tongue. Nikki was hoping that her time sober was good enough for her to get a buzz from the sub. Jaimeappeared interested, so Nikki, the darling that she is, offered her half.
Half an hour later Jaime was spinning, nauseous, and unable to handle heavy machinery so they weren't able to drive to the meeting. Jaime actually was so sick that she woke up sick and had to call in to say that she couldn't make it to the program the next day. She was encouraged strongly to sleep for an hour and then come in. An hour later she called back saying she still couldn't come in but maybe after lunch. I guess the counselor that was taking these calls had some idea that she wasn't sick "naturally" or something and asked her point blank if she had taken drugs the night before. Jaime copped to it and they told her to come in when she could.
She came in looking sick and visible uncomfortable. She was embarrassed thinking she had let down the doctors and counselors. When she went in to talk to the counselors she told them that she had done it with Nikki and they were both told that if they hung out together again before the end of the program they would both be kicked out.
Nikki wasn't happy that her name came up but she didn't seem to hold it against Jaime either.
Nikki and my last day was about a week and a half after that and we continued to hang out a lot and continued to drink but we weren't really dating per se' just spending a lot of time together, it was clear it was headed in that direction though.
We found out a few days before that Nikki wasn't going to complete the program the day she was told and needed to stay another week. She was pissed. On Thursday night we decided we were going to get a hotel room Friday night and celebrate or something. It was just a reason to get a room. She made it clear that she wanted to party but had gotten sick the last time we went out drinking so she didn't want to drink.
"Well we could get some weed I guess, but this is the longest I've ever gone without smoking weed I was kinda thinking I'd see how long I could ride it out."
"I don't really like weed anyway" she said. "I talked to Vinnie the other day he said he has a connection in Santa Cruz."
"I don't know, how bout some pills, can you get me some pills?"
She said she didn't think so. Again I don't remember the exact conversation but it ended with "Well I mean I could smoke it right? I'm not really down with the whole needle idea."
"Oh yea you can smoke it, it's nice"
"Fuck it then, let's do it."

To be continued...

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Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Nikki Story

it was a Friday evening, a little before five, and we were in my car at the top of a hill off highway 1 keeping lookout with Nikki while her junky ex-boyfriend headed down the train tracks to score dope.

"So what are we supposed to do if someone comes?" "Like a cop or a neighbor or something. '

"If it's a cop we leave. If it's a neighbor we call Vinnie and then leave."

I guess I was expecting her to have a different response. What response I was expecting I don't really know, but I do know that my first instinct would be to leave at the sight of a cop and call Vinnie to leave if it was a nosy neighbor - I guess I thought her years as a heroin addict would  give her some sort of junky protocol for dealing with situations like this, I was wrong. What I soon learned was as smart as she was, her craftiness and all her energy went in to getting heroin. There was simply no time or energy left to think about anything else.
We'd been there about 15 minutes and I was starting to get a bit antsy. This was an entirely new experience to me, though it was one that I had thought about for a long time. I'm not sure at what point in my life my initial fascination with heroin began but I feel it's fair to assume it started sometime in High School, around the same time I started with the pills.
When I was 16 I blew my shoulder out playing baseball. I had been a baseball player all my life and it had always been a huge part of my identity. What started out as misdiagnosed tendinitis ended up requiring six separate surgeries over the course of about 2 years and hundreds of hours of physical therapy before I was finally forced to give it up. During those two years I did what I could for the team, DH'ing, pinch-hitting and the like. But my passion and my strengths had always been with my defense and eventually I found it too hard to watch my friends compete without me and had to give it up.
These were not good years for me. I was depressed, in hindsight i was very depressed but I'm not sure I was very aware of it at the time. Ever since surgery number four I had been taking a lot of painkillers, (Vicodin, Lortab, Codeine) on a daily basis and it was getting pretty bad. A couple months into my junior year at high school I got into a dumb fight with my friends and started isolating myself and taking more pills. Early December of that year I dropped out of school. I say dropped out because it's the easiest way to describe it but technically I went on kind of a weird combination of independent studies and a homeschooling program where I met with a tutor a couple hours a week and was supposed to be following a curriculum that one of my teachers helped us design. That didn't really work out for some reason and i received 0 credits for that whole semester. The following semester I went on the standard independent studies program in my district. I did all the reading but never showed up for my meetings and eventually just stopped participating altogether.
So at this point I was a 17 year old who didn't speak to his friends. took too many pills and was now a full year behind my former classmates as i received no credits my junior year.
Instead of school I worked at a video store full time and quickly became very interested in movies and film and began watching videos like a mad man. Over the previous few months I had found out that it was pretty awesome to take a handful of Vicodin and just lie in bed watching a triple feature and sometimes nodding in and out. Like many people my age I was very into the twisted, complicated crime films that had come out over the past 5-6 years. Reservoir Dogs, The Usual Suspects, Fargo, etc. I'd pop a bunch of pills. Finish a movie and pop in another, and of course more pills. I was watching 3 movies a day, slowly adding more genres into the mix, but I've always kept my love for 90's crime films. I don't know exactly when my interest in Heroin first actually became clear to me, but another film of that time, Roger Avary's brilliant low budget Killing Zoe was a film I watched many times. The story is rather cliche but it follows a down on his luck American safe-cracker played by Eric Stoltz who goes to Paris to pull a bank heist with his old friend. Upon arriving, he finds his friend and his gang all addicted to Heroin. The first time he chases the dragon they go out to a night club where Stoltz begins to hallucinate cartoon music notes over the piano being played. Looked like fun to me...

To be continued...

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Thursday, September 15, 2011

fuck you lucy

So I get it now it's about control. this thing you do where you look for some retarded reason to get angry at me just so that you can cut me off and retain control is how you feel comfortable, strong, unable to get hurt. you are, by nature, a control freak. It goes back along way and there's nothing wrong with that. However, you're living in a world where you don't have control atm. Unanswered questions surround you. And as much as you claim you really want to change your life you are, for many reasons obv unable to do that right now. There are some legitimate reasons for you to have gotten held up, but on some level you're afraid of leaving this fake comfort that you have. The ironic part about it is that the only thing you don't - and will never have 100% control over is a real inter-personal relationship. Not a real friendship, not an actual healthy relationship- that's not how that shit works. While you sit there and make up one excuse after another about why you can't gtfo of town every week for the last six months, the people you have met, connected with, shared feelings with, have changed. Their thoughts, opinions and feelings about you and life itself are not the same as they were 6 months ago. What is the same as was six months ago is you. At first I thought that I had gotten to know the real you over the last few months, we shared some pretty personal and intimate details that at least I have never shared with others before. And because I have such an understanding of your behavior, through both observation, being your make shift midnight therapist and actual hands on experience due to the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings you and I experienced to know that you have many degrees of crazy. Do you think there's a reason that you've done nothing but bitch and moan and have someone fall in love with you only until the point when it was real and then make up some bogus excuse that it cant work?
How about the fact that the moment you feel threatened yur first instinct is to write a fuming life tilt email and then block me from 3 separate messengers? Not so mature way of getting the last word in imo. Felt like you were losing control of something and that was your only course of action you could take to feel in control of something? Is that why you keep sabotaging yourself for 6 months instead of moving like you keep saying? Is it because as soon as that happens you have nobody to blame but yourself? Nobody to bitch to since of course at that point you'll have cut your internet life out of the equation since youve been meaning to do that also....Again....which you've done three times "completely" and at least a dozen in other degress, Because of course there can't be any ties because of stalkers.....yes, stalkers....this stalker you speak of lives in fucking costa rica making 100ks a year and busting online poker cheating websites and you think he gives a fuck if you move to vegas? jesus christ how self absorbed are you to think that just because you led him on and then dropped him also that he would spend years looking for you?? and reading your aim conversations?? do you honestly think that he asks people to find out information about you? I'll tell you the answer to that, he doesn't. You're a pycho bitch and he doesn't give a fuck, if he did half of the things you accuse him of he would know how much of a fuckng lunatic you actually are and would never speak to you again let alone track you half way around the world and have friends spy on you for him?....... holy shit, I'm not even done but listen to just that part right there. Read it again, the part about him stalking you. Who are you fucking Lindsay Lohan? You're a 31 year old, twice married mother of four with a fucked up knee and a chip on your shoulder - nobody is fucking stalking you, you psycho bitch.

um, so yea, thats the first rant we've seen, good for variety, I'll explain this more later. For now let's call her Lucy.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

What I've been watching lately

I've been watching a ton of movies both on netflix streaming and dvd, so many that I'm gonna forget some. But I'll try and list them and maybe tommorrow get a short writeup about at least some of them.

Sweet and Lowdown

Everyone Says I Love you- Had already seen this, but I enjoy it anyway.



Somewhere in the City





Naked - A Mike Leigh film

A Hole In My Heart (
Ett hål i mitt hjärta ) directed by Lukas Moodysson

Also as another note all the Hal Hartley films that I uploaded to youtube have been taken down at his request.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Hal Hartley Heads Up

Most of his early stuff is relatively hard to find but Netflix currently has 5 of his films available to watch instantly. Henry Fool and its sequel along with earlier stuff such as Simple Men and my favorite, Trust.

As far as upcoming projects IMDB lists him as working on a film Moving the Arts, a collaboration with Atom Egoyan and others.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Leave it to Hal Hartley...

To create a dialogue driven science fiction film, The Girl From Monday stars Hartley regular Bill Sage and Sabrina LLoyd!! I fuckin love Sabrina LLoyd as she was a key character in my favorite TV series of all time Sports Night. Hartley personally scored the film as he often does but then doesn't score with the film that should have been another 30 minute short film which he does so well. It's worth watching but I didn't think it was anywhere near on par with Hartley's other stuff.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

The Nines

The Nines is a great film that I just watched on Netflix streaming combining aspects of Charlie Kaufman, digital video, science fiction and metaphysical questions all rolled up into one well wrapped package. The Nines stars Ryan Reynolds and Hope Davis and directed by the screenwriter John August. Watch it now on Netflix The Nines.

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Friday, April 17, 2009

A Perfect Sonnet

This video is practically perfect. Meet Conor Oberst and Bright Eyes with some of the best love story clips of recent movie history.

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Monday, March 23, 2009

Urban Dictionary

I submitted this to UD for my friend, please visit and "thumbs up" it
I'm also trying to fix dead links today so if something has been down it should come back up later (music mostly). I was asked by Mr Hal Hartley himself to remove his videos so I respectfully obliged.

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